Just Things…

I need to write. If I don’t get my thoughts out on paper I’m afraid of what they will become. I’ve asked God to cause me to trust Him. And He’s teaching me. It’s one of those loaded prayers you know? like praying for patience. Yea, you know what I mean. So things are happening a million miles a minute. So quick I look back and think…”did that just happen?”

So much is rising to the surface in my life that is ugly. Just in day to day things. In things in which I should have kept my mouth shut and now trust is decreasing. In things in which I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I don’t have perseverance, I don’t have faith. It’s ugly and I don’t like it. No amount of talking about what’s going on inside is going to fix what’s happening in my life. My friends can’t help me, and my pastors know I have to as they say… ‘flesh this thing out.’

I’ve ran over the idea of just quitting. It would be so much easier to do in this moment. Just give up and live a mediocre life. Except in the end, it will only leave me feeling miserable.

I am constantly exchanging lies for truth. It is a battle and sometimes the lies try to creep in with the truths and I don’t catch them as quickly as I should. Lies like, I’ve been allowing man… humans… pastors… to decide my destiny… not God. Which is totally a lie because my pastors are divinely inspired and hear from the Holy Spirit and also direct me to pray and seek for myself.

The decision of a person’s destiny is I believe the toughest decision to make. And every time I feel like I know what step to take next, doubt creeps in and opinions and suggestions from others crowd my already confused mind.

It’s scary because I have seen so many people walk away from their calling. I’ve seen so many believe that something was the call of God on their life only to be left broken and wounded and jaded. I don’t want that to be me. But at the same time… I don’t want to worry so much that I never step out in faith for anything and miss my calling because of fear of missing it. If that makes sense…

I don’t know what all this means… I’m just in a mood. Do I want to quit? Some days. Jesus Himself asked that the cup be taken from Him. But it’s that one word after that that gets me every time…. NEVERTHELESS… not my will, but Your will be done. Most days I’m all for it, head strong in whatever life throws my way… I’ve notice that things that I have failed to cherish as a young christian have faded away and I don’t know how to get them back…. my mentality then was so different. I had higher standards for myself. I allowed and didn’t allow myself to partake of certain things in life. Yet as I watched people around me who I looked up to in the faith live contrary to my standards I got confused. I allowed their actions to justify myself and thus lowering my standards.

Things that I focused on mentally were of more value than that which I gaze upon now. I used to be so caught up in Jesus that I had to talk about Him everywhere I went. That’s gone. Just being honest.

I prayed about everything and had faith for the unspeakable. Now everything I do is rationalized. I feel like the Daddy’s little girl is gone with me and God. And I hate it. I want a higher standard for me because well, that’s just what is in me… not because of a religious obligation. I never learned how to set a standard for myself. I just had one the moment I got saved. It came along with my new DNA. I want pureness and innocence and simplicity again. Where everything was clear because everything was about Jesus.

I’m just speaking my heart. Things I know have changed. Things I know are in me. Things I miss. Things I want out of me. Just things.