Unbridled Pain…

As I just stood in my room tonight contemplating the pain that is in my heart, Jesus began to speak softly to me. And he continues even now…

I just stood there. Looking around my room as if I was a visitor, thinking about life, love, purpose, and the lost. I came to a realization a few weeks ago with in myself. That somehow, through all my hurts, all my failures, mistakes, misunderstandings, and all the times I have put God in a box and it didn’t work out (which is every time), I have slowly began to have a distaste for the very purpose God has placed in my heart. I have come to a place where the thought of actually stepping into my calling is not attractive or appealing and doesn’t excite me anymore. Please just hear my heart, I am being completely transparent.

This is a very depressing place to be. I realize that the unique passion God has placed inside of me has actually turned into something I would rather not deal with. And not knowing where to go from there is frightening. The only way I have come to notice this is God as given me moments of what was. Little passion pockets that spark something in me and I remember who I used to be. The person that did not limit herself to her reality, but rather trusted completely on the power of God to change her generation.

Just to throw it out there, my heart is for my generation and the next to come. I can think of no other ministry more profound for me than youth ministry. I desire and am called to be a youth pastor. It is my heart, It is my passion, It is what drives me and gets me excited. And it wasn’t until recently that I remembered that that area of my heart is unique to me and is a part of me that is beautiful… and I have allowed it to wither and die and become ugly.

Living in a pastor’s home you see a lot, hear a lot, and feel a lot from people in the church as well as outside the church. Its like even though I’m not a pastor myself, I am thrown into a fish bowl with the rest of them and to top it off, the bowl is placed on the highest pedestal you can imagine. So my life is seen differently than others. Pastor’s kids, I feel for ya.

So anyways, along with the good, comes the bad and the ugly of ministry. The bad and the ugly are only there because we are humans and we fail miserably time and again in what we were called to do. I’ve seen the hurt and felt it’s reverberation. I’ve seen pastors find strength, love, and forgiveness in a place inside themselves they never knew existed. And I’ve seen how it sometimes takes everything within a person not to become bitter and jaded by the enemy. I’ve seen up close and personal and I believe I have learned a lot of amazing things from experiencing along side of pastors. At the same time, without knowing it, I have written off my destiny in the back of my mind, for fear of experiencing and having to handle the amount of pain and injustice that they go through regularly. I just don’t feel strong enough for that.

But God still speaks softly to my heart and I melt every time He does. God is a God that got His hands dirty and I want to get mine dirty too. I want to fall in love with my calling again . I want to be passionate about young people again. I want to have those amazing prayer nights where I feel like the entire world is going to be conquered right now and any minute they are going to be piling through the door. I don’t want to just fill a room, I want to see people excited for God. If all we ever have is 4 people in our youth ministry, I don’t care, as long as they are in love to the fullest with Jesus and desire nothing but His presence in their lives. So I come excited to service, and I leave with a heavy heart that aches and I’m tempted to just throw it all away again. It seems easier to be critical. I weep in worship because all I want is to be able to look out and see young people on fire and being transformed. Why do they walk away when the worship starts? But then I’m reminded, I can’t put God in a box. Why do I have a heart for youth when all it brings me is pain? This question is what led me to write this blog.

As this thought resonated in my mind tonight as I stood in my room like a visitor, I was reminded of a poem that I wrote nearly two years ago. I find myself in different seasons of my life being brought back to this poem, and it always reveals a glimpse of my life that I never knew was in it. It’s called ‘My Everything’ and the full poem is available to read by clicking here. But the verse that rang out in my head was this:

I feel the pain of resurrecting my call,

Just that one simple verse is all God placed into my heart as he spoke, “remember daughter, you asked to fall in love with your calling again. You asked me to bring it back to life.” So as it resurrects, I feel the pain again. I don’t know what’s next. I’m praying for passion, wisdom, and direction in the area of my calling. But I refuse, no matter how much it hurts, I will not kill it again.